So I have so many things that I can honestly write about and really, I want to write about them. Specifically I want to write about race and just how it impacts my life, which I will,-but I wanted to be transparent. I wanted to honestly share and talk about how things are right now. The reality of my feelings in the present, so that hopefully, healing will come.
There is nothing that I have wanted more since this semester has begun, than to finish grad school. Y’all, I was T I R E D of it. I didn’t want to do it anymore! The late night studying, the cramming, the agonizing-I wanted it to be over. But friends, now, it IS over and I feel….weird. I don’t feel as relieved as I hoped I would. I feel a bit lost. Vulnerable. Afraid.
Without school, who am I? The majority of my life up until now has been about school and solely about that for me. I lived, breathed, and ate school. It was what I did and I did it well. In some ways too, I really enjoyed it (well, once I found my passion and followed it). I feel almost like I’m retired. I understand now to some degree, why older adults struggle so much when they have the opportunity to stop working. I mean you work your whole life and then you can just stop and relax? I guess?
I know you may be thinking, well Anna, of course this is not retirement-you just get a job and work and there’s the answer! I don’t disagree with you. If I was working a full time job right now then yeah, I’d probably feel less of this strange feeling I feel now. Stuck, maybe. Struggling to decide what exactly it is I want to do and going for it.
I think a lot of it is getting choked up by my own fears. My fears of inadequacy. These doubts that immediately come up once I set my hopes on something. These doubts that tell me that I can’t do that job, that I don’t have the experience, that I’m not the right fit….that have been crippling me. The reason I’m writing about it, is because I think I need to address it. I need to remember that I’m not alone. I need to remember that these are lies. I also need to be pushed towards the arms of Jesus, who reminds me everyday that He loves me in whatever state I am. Even in this state right now, of uncertainty and doubt.
Friends, there is so much to be celebrated. Next week, I get my Masters. I get to celebrate how far God has brought me-from that uncertain freshman in 2012, to an uncertain graduate student in 2018. I don’t have all the answers. Truthfully a lot of it remains in the air. But I have hope that Jeremiah 29:11-13 is true.
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.”
Jeremiah 29:11-13 NIV
Many things in this life are imperfect. There is a time and a season for everything (Ecclesiastes 3:1) and maybe right now not everything is going the way I thought they would. Maybe it feels difficult, frustrating, and a bit sad-but today I’m choosing to say yes to giving these things to Jesus and trusting him with the unknowns. Waiting is hard. Trusting is hard. Feeling lost is hard. But I’m not alone….and neither are you.
“Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.”
Romans 12:12 NIV
I’m sending good vibes to you and praying for you. Please say a prayer for me too. Thanks for reading 💕